Apophthegms for the Aged
Know that you’re immortal but don’t imagine you’ll live forever. Keep out of the hands of solicitors, the police and doctors and when they finally get you submit gracefully. Read the Bible, especially Ecclesiastes. Read William Blake’s “Marriage of Heaven and Hell”. Re-read the classics, particularly Tolstoy and Dickens. Switch off the TV. Listen to the radio. Use the Internet to download radio programmes you like and ignore comedies. Give up Sunday newspapers and cancel the freebies.
Eat what you fancy, provided you take plenty of exercise. Diet for one day in the autumn and the same in spring. Walk at least five miles a day. Sell the car and buy a bicycle. Drink water rather than alcohol. Go to the mountains of Calabria for the purest water in the world, to Puglia for the best olive oil. Travel with a pack on your back. Only visit those countries where you can speak to the natives in their own tongue. If you are a tourist think of it as entirely proper to be cheated and despised. And swear about it in Anglo Saxon.
If you’ve ever done military service, especially in a war, cherish your memories but don’t talk about it. Whatever remarkable experiences you had they were actually commonplace. You just happened to be around at the time, and survived. Don’t bother to compile your memoirs. Instead write a novel. Publish it yourself, give copies to friends and put the rest under the bed. Never forget that intelligence is as likely to be found in someone’s feet, even genitals, as it is in a clever person’s head.
Caveat emptor. Never make a deal on the doorstep or over the phone. A feeling of guilt at spending money on yourself is a good instinct. Buy presents for your grandchildren and try to recall how ungrateful you were at that age. If a child waves at you, wave back. When you see a handsome person, smile. If a pretty woman smiles at an old man, he should flirt with her.
Keep a coal fire burning during winter. Don’t have radiators in the bedroom, or if you do switch them off when you go to bed.. Sleep downstairs on the coldest nights. When you feel anxious, say your prayers. Don’t worry about modernity. It will pass. Don’t let anyone accuse you of being old-fashioned but admit to being primitive. Laugh out loud when you hear the phrase “post-modern”. Do the same if you hear someone described as being “at the cutting edge.” Give to beggars and to charities even if you doubt it will do any good. If anyone loves you, consider yourself extremely fortunate. If you retain the capacity to love others, know that you are blessed.
